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Some Funny Jokes.

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  • Some Funny Jokes.

    A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the military.

    He bought a plane ticket to Fort Jackson, SC thinking he would start by working his way across the USA.

    On his first day he was inside the Base Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call."

    The man, being intrigued, asked a soldier who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

    The soldier replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

    The man thanked him and went on his way.

    Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC. There, at a very large Chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

    He asked a nearby Airman what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man, and left.

    He then traveled to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, Annapolis, MD, and Naval Air Station Oceana, VA. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

    Upon leaving Oceana, he decided to travel to a Marine base to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived onboard MCB Camp Lejeune, NC and while waiting to visit the base chapel, he was invited into the Enlisted Club.

    There was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised.

    Just then, a Gunnery Sergeant walked in and he asked about the sign. "Gunny, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Army, the Air Force, and even the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

    The Gunny smiled and answered, "You're on a Marine Base now son, it's a local call."

  • #2
    Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in
    short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local
    Catholic school.

    After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went
    straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word. In no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great
    trepidation his Mom looked at it, and to her great surprise little Zachary got an "A" in math.

    She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head no. "Well then, " she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

    Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
    messing around."


    • #3
      A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (getting ready) to jump.

      She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump sir, think of your dear mother and father."

      He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

      She said, "Well, think of your wife and children"

      He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

      She said, "Well then, think of Robert E. Lee!"

      He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?''

      She replied, "Well bless your heart, you just go ahead and jump then, you damn Yankee!"


      • #4
        good ones Sean


        • #5
          A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

          A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

          The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

          This becomes routine until, the two enter again on Friday. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

          Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

          "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

          "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

          "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

          The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs
          who agrees with everything I say."


          • #6
            one more...

            Bubba applied for an engineering position at IBM in Raleigh. A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications and at the completion of a skills test, both men had only missed one of the questions.

            The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

            Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being North Carolina, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

            The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

            Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

            The manager replied, "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.' "